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The best ebay advert ever:
One sunny afternoon I saw this boat sitting in a driveway not far from my castle. It looked sad and neglected, and without a motor I knew it was going nowhere fast. The old lady that I bought it off told me that the hull could take up to 60 horses and straight away I knew she was a liar. I could see that you would be lucky to fit one horse in it, maybe two Welsh mountain ponies at the most, but not 60 horses. I had no proof that the hull couldn't take 60 horses, so I had to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I paid her good money for the boat and went via the local race track on the way home. I crashed through the rear gate with the boat in tow, and using a bag of molasses dipped carrots that I had prepared earlier, I attempted to lure 60 horses into the hull. One horse bit me and another kicked me so hard that I have a permanent good luck bruise on my right thigh. My fall to the ground scared the other horses, and I was trampled so badly that I ended up with my kidneys running away from the carnage. I brushed myself off and returned to my car, furious that I had been tricked.
Later that night I returned to the old lady's house and cut down four of her 145 azaleas. I then crept inside her house and made her a cup of tea, putting the milk in after I poured the tea. Confident she would never lie again, I left her house, stomping on the head of her door snake on the way out.
The boat sat in my driveway for nigh on half a decade before I decided to do something about it. I moved it into my backyard and it sat there for nearly two more weeks, before I moved it again back to the driveway. All the moving around meant that I had to replace the wheel bearings in the trailer. Not because they had worn out, but I couldn't stand looking like I was someone who had a boat which they never used. I moved the boat out onto the street and pretended to do some emergency wheel bearing replacements. All the passers by watched in awe as I managed to get my motorless boat back on the road again. And into my driveway.
I looked around for an outboard to suit this beautiful boat but noticed that outboard motors were extremely expensive yet without good reason. An outboard motor is basically a lawnmower, spread over a larger area and with smaller blades and water cooling. I tried fitting my own lawnmower to the boat and despite the cheers and encouragement from those at the boat ramp, oars were the only thing that brought me back to shore. I kept searching for a suitable motor and eventually stumbled across the motor which is fitted to it. It was at an auction, sitting in a big crate when I walked past and stumbled across it. I thought, perfect, it looks big enough so I bought it.
When I got the motor home I realised that I had bought an ex military outboard motor. Apparently the men, women and German shepherds in the military are so tough that they don't need electric start, oh no, even if the factory produced them with electric start, it wasn't for them. I mean who wants to be stuck in a river somewhere with 7.62mm rounds flying past while having the luxury of turning a key and motoring away! Obviously not the military. No way; these things are pull start. So with your shrapnel ridden good arm and your mine depleted missing arm, you have to pull start this thing with your ear. Fortunately the motors do start easily, despite pulling the cord is like trying to pull the wallet from an ice addict running away from you after your Christmas ATM withdrawal.
These motors are also made to be put on and removed quickly, despite the fact that they weigh more than the Trike of Death with a full tank of fear. They also have what's known as a 'work prop', which as far as I can work out means that the boats with these motors are made for work, not play. I tried to take people water skiing, and despite getting off to a flying start the boat tops out at around 25 knots, leaving the water skiers to make small talk amongst themselves. Admittedly, 25 knots is less than what was in my fishing line after the first time that I used the boat.
You will see from the pictures that the boat has no seats. When I bought the boat, it had back to back seats which I thought were completely useless. What point is there in having your friends look at the reverse of what you have already seen? I felt that the thing would be far better with something like a bathroom or kitchen instead. How wrong was I. I must have still been under the delusion that the hull could take 60 horses, so I had an architect draw me the plans for a blue and white ark with stables for 60 horses, a kitchen, bathroom and ex-military outboard motor. His plans were a disaster because they incorporated too much glass and all this energy saving crap that I didn't need.
The military motor that is on it was never designed to be operated remotely, unlike most boats made after 1859. This motor was designed to always have someone at the business end for a real test of endurance. Firstly, you can't hear when people are telling you to 'look out', and they're telling you to look out because the bow is so high in the air that seeing anything in front while you're controlling the outboard is impossible. I thought of fitting a glass bottom just to see what's ahead, but decided that modifying the motor would be cheaper.
The motor and the boat really are an odd couple: The motor was built in 1990 based on technology from 1950, while the boat was built in the 1970's based on what they thought we would be wanting in 1990s. Everything is so wrong. The upside is that if you remember to put the bungs in, the boat floats. The first time I took it out to try the new motor I noticed that the tide seemed to get higher and higher around the boat
One sunny afternoon I saw this boat sitting in a driveway not far from my castle. It looked sad and neglected, and without a motor I knew it was going nowhere fast. The old lady that I bought it off told me that the hull could take up to 60 horses and straight away I knew she was a liar. I could see that you would be lucky to fit one horse in it, maybe two Welsh mountain ponies at the most, but not 60 horses. I had no proof that the hull couldn't take 60 horses, so I had to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I paid her good money for the boat and went via the local race track on the way home. I crashed through the rear gate with the boat in tow, and using a bag of molasses dipped carrots that I had prepared earlier, I attempted to lure 60 horses into the hull. One horse bit me and another kicked me so hard that I have a permanent good luck bruise on my right thigh. My fall to the ground scared the other horses, and I was trampled so badly that I ended up with my kidneys running away from the carnage. I brushed myself off and returned to my car, furious that I had been tricked.
Later that night I returned to the old lady's house and cut down four of her 145 azaleas. I then crept inside her house and made her a cup of tea, putting the milk in after I poured the tea. Confident she would never lie again, I left her house, stomping on the head of her door snake on the way out.
The boat sat in my driveway for nigh on half a decade before I decided to do something about it. I moved it into my backyard and it sat there for nearly two more weeks, before I moved it again back to the driveway. All the moving around meant that I had to replace the wheel bearings in the trailer. Not because they had worn out, but I couldn't stand looking like I was someone who had a boat which they never used. I moved the boat out onto the street and pretended to do some emergency wheel bearing replacements. All the passers by watched in awe as I managed to get my motorless boat back on the road again. And into my driveway.
I looked around for an outboard to suit this beautiful boat but noticed that outboard motors were extremely expensive yet without good reason. An outboard motor is basically a lawnmower, spread over a larger area and with smaller blades and water cooling. I tried fitting my own lawnmower to the boat and despite the cheers and encouragement from those at the boat ramp, oars were the only thing that brought me back to shore. I kept searching for a suitable motor and eventually stumbled across the motor which is fitted to it. It was at an auction, sitting in a big crate when I walked past and stumbled across it. I thought, perfect, it looks big enough so I bought it.
When I got the motor home I realised that I had bought an ex military outboard motor. Apparently the men, women and German shepherds in the military are so tough that they don't need electric start, oh no, even if the factory produced them with electric start, it wasn't for them. I mean who wants to be stuck in a river somewhere with 7.62mm rounds flying past while having the luxury of turning a key and motoring away! Obviously not the military. No way; these things are pull start. So with your shrapnel ridden good arm and your mine depleted missing arm, you have to pull start this thing with your ear. Fortunately the motors do start easily, despite pulling the cord is like trying to pull the wallet from an ice addict running away from you after your Christmas ATM withdrawal.
These motors are also made to be put on and removed quickly, despite the fact that they weigh more than the Trike of Death with a full tank of fear. They also have what's known as a 'work prop', which as far as I can work out means that the boats with these motors are made for work, not play. I tried to take people water skiing, and despite getting off to a flying start the boat tops out at around 25 knots, leaving the water skiers to make small talk amongst themselves. Admittedly, 25 knots is less than what was in my fishing line after the first time that I used the boat.
You will see from the pictures that the boat has no seats. When I bought the boat, it had back to back seats which I thought were completely useless. What point is there in having your friends look at the reverse of what you have already seen? I felt that the thing would be far better with something like a bathroom or kitchen instead. How wrong was I. I must have still been under the delusion that the hull could take 60 horses, so I had an architect draw me the plans for a blue and white ark with stables for 60 horses, a kitchen, bathroom and ex-military outboard motor. His plans were a disaster because they incorporated too much glass and all this energy saving crap that I didn't need.
The military motor that is on it was never designed to be operated remotely, unlike most boats made after 1859. This motor was designed to always have someone at the business end for a real test of endurance. Firstly, you can't hear when people are telling you to 'look out', and they're telling you to look out because the bow is so high in the air that seeing anything in front while you're controlling the outboard is impossible. I thought of fitting a glass bottom just to see what's ahead, but decided that modifying the motor would be cheaper.
The motor and the boat really are an odd couple: The motor was built in 1990 based on technology from 1950, while the boat was built in the 1970's based on what they thought we would be wanting in 1990s. Everything is so wrong. The upside is that if you remember to put the bungs in, the boat floats. The first time I took it out to try the new motor I noticed that the tide seemed to get higher and higher around the boat
