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mcgaw81

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Man walks into a family run brothel and ask how much?

The owner says "

 

mcgaw81

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little johnny was very interested in tractors. so much so that he used to collect pictures and go to tractor club events and meetings. tractors was all he would talk about.

little johnny had an elder sister and she always looked out for little johnny. as he was due to go to senior school very shortly his big sister told him that all the kids would tease him and maybe even bully him because of his obsession with tractors and that he should give it up and follow more normal pursuits like football. little johnny mulled over his sisters comments and decided that she was probably right and from that day on he never looked or spoke about tractors again.

several weeks later, everything was going well at school for johnny and he had made lots of new friends. then one afternoon a terrible fire broke out at the school and johnnies class was trapped inside a burning smoke filled room. they could not escape because the smoke was so bad that they could not find the exit. whilst all the class were screaming and shouting. little johnny stood up and took one enormous deep breath and swallowed all the smoke. all the children ran out to the safety of the playground. johnny was a hero. the teacher came over to him and asked him how on earth he managed to swallow all the smoke ?oh it was easy miss replied little johnny......

i'm an ex tractor fan

 

mcgaw81

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SMARTASSANSWER 6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMARTASSANSWER 5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMARTASS ANSWER 4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's

store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMARTASS ANSWER 3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied,

'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMARTASS ANSWER 2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMARTASSANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.

 

mcgaw81

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I went to see my friend and his wife who had just had a baby.His wife had just fed the little one and asked me if I wanted to wind it.I thought that was kinda harsh so I just gave it a dead leg instead :D :D

 

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