daft but true stories

[madspark01]

as i said in the intro sect i have a few strings to my bow if you have any daft bApplaud SmileyApplaud Smileyut true stories that you have personal experience of share them please heres one of mine

as i said i now have 17 years service with fife constabulary

while on gpd one night i was behind a wee scroat whose driving was un believable. So me and my partner decided to pull him a routine stop (so we thought).We both got out the car and as i approached the driver i thought fu** sake these window tints are dark. (nope) as i opened the drivers door i experenced a columbian sun set a wall of dope smoke and thought im strangely hungry all of a sudden. We decided to get additional units to assist us just in case also a road policing unit to do a fit test which this gentelman failed with flying coulours. Ie leg out head back and touch your nose he poked himself in the eye. Also if you watch any of the police programs on sky you may have seen this one get the person to look at a pen or pencil and move it towards there nose there eyes will cross and stay crossed. His didnt they popped straight. We thought right thats enough and proceded to detain him for further investigation and went through the normal procedure ie under sect 14 of the criminal procedure scotland act etc and informed him that he was to be detained and what for that he was unfit to drive through drugs and did he have anything to say in reply. Bearing in mind he had the right to remain silent (he didnt have the ability to do so). Replyed i cana be unfit to drive IVE ONLY HAD 6 JOINTS SINCE I GOT IN MY CAR you can never under estimate the prodictability of stupidity this reply had 5 officers writing in there notebooks with tears streaming down there facesApplaud Smiley

if this type of humor pleases i have quite a few of these type of stories

in scotland we call them neds (non educated delinquents) in england you call them chavs

 

[Apache]

thanks for sharing

 

[Evans Electric]

I call 'em Prairie Hats !!

 

[Andy™]

and after you done your bit, he probably got a 'dont do it again'...

any more of these stories?

 

[a1]

I agree with Andy. Keep 'em coming!

I watch the programmes on Sky. ]

 

[madspark01]

ok an other one

again whilst on gpd (general patrol duties) me and another 2 officers in the vehicle strayed off our beat. We were traveling down a road in kirkcaldy called wester bogie road over which is a foot bridge approx 40ft above the road. A gentleman was hanging from the rails by his hands ie griping on to same so we thought its not our beat maybe no one saw us. sense prevailed so we stopped myself and one of the other guys Davie Mc Ewan ran up to the top of the flyover by the time we got up he had his finger nails dug in to the concrete and in a panick. I couldnt get my hands through the railings so i had to get over and get a grip of him as he was slipping so i manadged to get him swinging so my fellow officer could get a grip fo him. At this time i shouted down to the third guy Dereck Flynn put the car under him to which he replyed fuc* OFF if he falls he will damage it after a quick threat the car was placed under him. It turned out that he had done this to try and scare his girlfriend rather unsuccesfully as she told him i hope you hurt yourself. Back to the silly tale my colleage shouted dow to dereck bring the rope up from the boot as we could not lift him we thought rope him inder the arms and tie hime up till the monkeys arrive (fire brigade). Eventualy flynn wanders up surprisingly no rope so he proceded to try and handcuff him to the railings. Im sorry but the ridgid handcuffs would have snapped his wrist and maybe tore off his hand (thats why hes nicknamed *****flynn) so there i am hanging on to this person on my own. After 5 min i couldnt hold on any more as i was slipping myself i took the descision to let him go self preservation i can still see in slow motion him falling backwards and saying or screaming fuc*& sake. he hit the car square on flat ways if the car hadnt been there it would have been head on tarmac as i lifted my head i saw a fire engine and an ambulance drawing up and a lot of faces in shock as they had just saw someone passing them as he fell. As we ran back down to the car the paramedics were checking him out 40ft and not a scratch through the shock he started to struggle and fell 4.5 ft and broke his jaw and collar bone lifes a ***** so we charged him with a breach of the peace. So we were driving back to our beat in cardenden with our heads bent over due to the roof touching the headrests when some one ran in to the side of us right accross from agroup of neds lets just call that a bad end to a bad day the neds almost ****ed them selfs though

mind though after 17 years the stories get stranger and more warped

more if you want ladsBlushing

 

[Apache]

Good story but should you take the names out?

 

[M107]

Keep em comming.

On a pitch dark & very wet night undertaking a 2 brick tactical patrol to lay up & watch a particular property somewhere in Northern Ireland, we had plodded (thats a NFI tab) across all manner of bogs ditches & general **** ground to stay off any obvious routes to our desired laying up point.

Our brick commander was one of these gung ho types but had the missfortune to be slightly on the portly side to say the least & was bumping his gums about the crap weather being cold wet & covered in mud from stinking ditches & cow crap, but most of all about some **** having nicked his NI gloves (those nice black padded things that soaked up water like a sponge for those that remember them).

The final straw came when we came across a barbed wire fence that we had to cross to get into a small copse that overlooked our given target area, three under no probs nice & quiet dropping into all round defence (if there can be such a thing with only 3 fellas), a few seconds pass & scouse whispers "F***ing hell bob get your tubby **** box over the fence this grass is soaking"....another few seconds & we hear a lot of huffing puffing & panting......

we turn round ........

oh dear commander has decided that he is too big to fit under the fence so thought he'd climb the fence while wearing his webbing belt kit carrying his slr & wearing the old GS bergen.....

he gets snagged in the crotch of his combats with one foot on the top wire & one on the middle wire....

so he tries to steady himself using his one free hand .....

at this point we find out the fence is electrified ROTFWL :^OROTFWL so due to getting zapped off the electric fence he yelps like a girl & struggles all the more & wobbles all the more.............

three of us were trying so hard not to laugh out loud & remain tactical that we were rolling round on the floor in bits, at this point the commander looses the plot slings his gat (slr rifle) to the floor falls off the fence gets up & launches into a full volume tirade

"You C**** some F***ing help you were" then he sits down sparks a fag gets on the cougar sends in a compromised patrol report (said poachers had seen us).

He then pipes up "F*** climbing that fence again" & we let him lead the way through the gate to the nearest road & back to our pick up point.

Seeing a large tubby bloke in his late 30's (I was a keen lean 20 then) trying to balance on an electric barb wire fence while keeping very quiet is something to behold I can tell you.

Then on the same tour was the christmas party & another patrol with naked dancing & only one night sight

 

[madspark01]

the names were left in to protect the innocent