- Joined
- Dec 25, 2011
- Messages
- 5,470
- Reaction score
- 80
True email sent to the Police, lengthy but absolutely brilliant.
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass
this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal,
carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off
Commercial Street in Leith . Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of
a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout
the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am
unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw
and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear
that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to
the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I
would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them
the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the
street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when
there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will ofcourse serve
no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the
problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact
details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details
to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own
community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your
covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I
have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the
moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due
care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they
might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch
behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as
is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel
free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards
???????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department.
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass
this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal,
carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off
Commercial Street in Leith . Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of
a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout
the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am
unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw
and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear
that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to
the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I
would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them
the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the
street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when
there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will ofcourse serve
no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the
problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact
details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details
to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own
community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your
covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I
have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the
moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due
care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they
might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch
behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as
is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel
free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards
???????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department.
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