Marriage

[a2]

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

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I still miss my ex-husband - but my aim is getting better.

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Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me."

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Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs.

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Missing: wife and dog. Reward for dog.

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Marriage - Female going from lipstick to broomstick.

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Bigamy: one wife too many;

Monogamy; same thing.

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Bigamist: A man who can have his Kate and Edith too.

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It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady, and TV.

<HR>If you miss your ex, reload and try again!

 

[a2]

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

 

[a2]

A visitor to the graveyard couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. The visitor went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying.

'Why did you have to die?' he was repeating, 'Why did you have to die?'

Feeling he ought to do something, the visitor laid his hand on the man's shoulder.

'Was it someone you loved very much?' he asked gently.

The man looked up at him and said, 'no, I never met him, he was my wife's first husband.'

 

[Apache]

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

 

[a2]

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

 

[a2]

John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

[a2]

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

 

[a2]

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.

"I want a tooth pulled", the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."

"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"

"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

 

[a2]

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

 

[a2]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.