Paddy and Murphy in London

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Two Irishmen were strolling down Oxford Street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits

 

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Paddy from Ireland 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken!"

 

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Paddy's and Murphy's Pigs

Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine for a couple of weeks until Paddy stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Well Paddy," said Murphy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av one ear."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Again this worked OK until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah, tis is serious," said Murphy, "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail off my pig, ten we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one with a tail."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"Murphy!" shouted Paddy, "Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we ever gonna tell 'em apart?"

"How about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?" Says Murphy.

 

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Holiday Cigarettes

Paddy and Murphy where talking in the pub one night when Paddy says, "I'm going on holiday next week. Is there anything you want bringing back?"

Murphy says, "Thanks, could you bring me back 200 cigarettes and I'll give you the money later."

Paddy being a non-smoker says, "Sure, no problem."

When Paddy returns from his holidays, he meets Murphy in the pub.

Murphy asks, "Did you get me those cigarettes from your trip."

Paddy says, "Yep! Sure did."

Murphy says, "How much do I owe you?"

Paddy says, "46 pounds!"

Murphy says, "What, 46 pounds! Where the hell did you go for your holidays?"

Paddy replied, "Great Yarmouth."

 

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened."First body: Frenchman 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Paddy from Ireland 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken!"
My boys enjoyed this tremendously.

Don

 

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PADDY AND MURPHY

Paddy and Murphy are flying the 10.30 Aer Lingus flight from Heathrow to Dublin. As they come in over the East Coast of Ireland ... the following conversation ensues... "Sheeeezzz" said Paddy "Will ye look at how short dat runway is".

"You're not kiddin', Paddy" replied Murphy.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"You're not kiddin', Paddy" replied Murphy.

"Right Murphy. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Murphy.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Murphy.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Murphy.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy

"I be doing dat already" replied Murphy.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Murphy full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Murphy put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the

relief of Paddy and Murphy and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Murphy "Dat has gotta be de shortest bloomin' runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Murphy looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how flippin' wide it is".

 

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Two Irish men, Paddy & Murphy were walking down a country road, when they observed a man hanging over a bridge with another mans legs in his grasp. The other man shouted up "NOW, NOW" to his friend who promptly pulled him up. To Paddy & Murphy's astonishment the man had a large fish in his arms. Paddy & Murphy decided to give this plan a try, so they walked on to the next bridge where Paddy dangled Murphy over the bridge. After five minutes Murphy started to scream up.

MURPHY: "PADDY, PADDY PULL ME UP!!".

PADDY: "HAVE YOU GOT A FISH?"

MURPHY: "NO, THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMING'"

 
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Two Irish men, Paddy & Murphy were walking down a country road, when they observed a man hanging over a bridge with another mans legs in his grasp. The other man shouted up "NOW, NOW" to his friend who promptly pulled him up. To Paddy & Murphy's astonishment the man had a large fish in his arms. Paddy & Murphy decided to give this plan a try, so they walked on to the next bridge where Paddy dangled Murphy over the bridge. After five minutes Murphy started to scream up. MURPHY: "PADDY, PADDY PULL ME UP!!".

PADDY: "HAVE YOU GOT A FISH?"

MURPHY: "NO, THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMING'"
Very good Mrs A.

Batty

:)

 

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Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy.

A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.

He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back."


 

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An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says

"Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".

"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness . The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.

"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.

"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".


 

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Paddy nd Murphy landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelled:

"Murphy! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Murphy. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"


 

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Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs.They stopped in front of Flahertys house still singing. After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs Flaherty yells out, "Why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else!"

"Are you Mrs. Flaherty? "asks one of the drunks.

"You know dam well I am,"she says.

"Well can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"


 
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An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says

"Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".

"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness . The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.

"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.

"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".

Its the way you tell them.

Applaud Smiley

 

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A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.


"Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Well," said the digger,"Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Murphy fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn't mean Murphy and I get the day off, does it?"


 
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