The Gay flight attendant...

[a1]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,

who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food

and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the

aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce

that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people,

if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his

trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't

hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise

your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a

Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a

beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I

outrank you. Tray-up, *****'

 

[Technician]

I stand aghast at the thought of which cheeks

he might be assredding.

(leyboars pkaying up).

 

[johninlondon1]

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

---------- Post Auto-Merged at 23:06 ---------- Previous post was made at 22:58 ----------

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly.

45. Love shopping.

46. Be honest.

47. Be very rich.

48. Not stress her out.

49. Not look at other girls.

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.

51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.

52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

=========================================

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him.

2. F**k him.

3. Shut Up.

 

[Technician]

In the course of research into human behaviour people from four

nations were sent to remote islands. They were two men and one

woman. There were delegations from England, France,Germany and Russia.

After two years the islands were visited to examine the results.

On the British Island the three had formed a queue and discussed

the weather.

On the French Island the two men took it in turns to be the lover

while the other formed barricades on the beach.

On the German Island the woman lectured the men on budgetary

restraint and discussed monetary union with other visible islands.

On the Russian Island the two men sat at a green baize topped desk

while the woman worked. Upon questioning they replied that

they were discussing the division of labour.

(adapted from Hedrick Smith)