Pre Xmas musings

[kerching]

There's a couple,of things that are causing me to be intolerant

There has just been an advert on TV for CASPER mattresses

fair enough, people need new mattresses......BUT they are deliver by 'their engineers'.   WTAF.?

this has caused me to tabulate a few of my worries/ hates

spelling...it's HAVE you thick w️ NOT OF

its ADVICE you scrotum licking nonce NOT  ADVISE

so I said like.....no,you effing didn't 'you said '

BREXIT bunch of onanistic twonks feathering their own bed

LEDs dimmable with most dimmers.        Really?....well send me a list of dimmers then!......this has been going on for 2 years with one 'supplier/manufacturer'.  Cannot give their name for fear of being sued

architects

Brucie.....dead but not forgotten

Glitter.  both types Sparkly and Fiddldiddler 

Z list celebs

Artisan anything.....so you're telling me it has been made by 'somebody who made it'

designer anything .......show me something that hasn't been designed

Cliff...have you seen the Xmas promo video on TV?.......flesh creepingly bad

Xmas TV ads for Pokey Pola 

TESCO......open to,everyone!    Really?, we used to call that a Shop

E bay chancers

john sessions......TWICE

Morrisons being the People's hero and pioneer of Wonky Veg.....FFS they were the Who rejected moody shaped Veg in the first place

Winkleman

ML ( Knightsbridge )

echom Arena Car Park

Liverpools, Mayor Joe

diesel drenched fuel pump hose handles

Walliams

Will I am

inclusivity

fake affected accents....Jo Swash, Danny Dyer, Bruce Crompton

' celebrities'. Bringingbtheir spouses into the picture and giving them a speaking part

wonnacott and most By product Antique Show presenters

Zhonda Paint Ovens

estate agents

Alan Carr

Jimmy Carr

lolly Adefodopiadepe or whatever her name is

'zany' celebs

EE

all housing and emigration based programmes

Prosecco

Here endeth part I

 

[Sharpend]

It’s Christmasssssssssss

and Kerching is back!! 

 

[Andy™]

at least he's back to normal... ish

he missed B&Q

 

[kerching]

That was only part 1

12 days of Christmas and all that

brace yourself.........

 

[binky]

can't wait for Quangos / Scams  :^O

 

[Doc Hudson]

I predict this could be leading up to a 'Kerching's biggest ever gripes and moans list in the world, Christmas eve bonanza!'.  So I would advise all members accessing the forum via their mobile phone to top-up their data allowance if you want to appreciate the full context of the whole list, that will undoubtedly increase over the coming days. I do know that our forum tech-support "Deke & his dog" are working 24/7 to increase bandwidth for the anticipated volume of Xmas moans musing by our very own master of the "things that really rub you up the wrong way" post.  You Have Been Warned.

Doc H.

 

[Evans Electric]

The bandwidth has now been increased to cater for the expected additional data input from Kerching's PC  approaching Christmas . 

We are planning a Kerching Special  to be shown on Christmas night in glorious kerchoscope .   All the moans & whinges from previous years will be shown  co- hosted by Alan Carr & Jimmy Carr ....plus.....  Walliams  & Will I  Am  will be doing their very own impressions of Brucie  & Glitter , respectively .  

And as a  luverley  secret surprise  guest  for Kerch  ...none other  THAN ......pause for drum roll ...... Essex  in person  .

 

[Sharpend]

This could bebigger than the royal wedding, more dramatic than Brexit, forget the Theresa May this could bring down the Eu. 

Go Kerch :Applaud

 

[Doc Hudson]

The bandwidth has now been increased to cater for the expected additional data input from Kerching's PC  approaching Christmas . 

We are planning a Kerching Special  to be shown on Christmas night in glorious kerchoscope .   All the moans & whinges from previous years will be shown  co- hosted by Alan Carr & Jimmy Carr ....plus.....  Walliams  & Will I  Am  will be doing their very own impressions of Brucie  & Glitter , respectively .  

And as a  luverley  secret surprise  guest  for Kerch  ...none other  THAN ......pause for drum roll ...... Essex  in person  .

Thank you Deke, I knew we could leave this very important technical issue in your safe hands. You may actually get a Christmas card from Sidewinder written in Biro, rather than Crayon this year, to show just how much the forum appreciates your hard work.

Doc H.  

 

[binky]

could make a TV series out of this....

 

[kerching]

Schneider accessory screws.....FFS.  Used some switches today 16mm long screws!

Scientology

most religions

gripper Rod/finger tip interface

Alan Sugar

that Bingo winged, face transplanted bint  on the Apprentice Business plan reviews 

Trout Pouts

Scouse Brows

facial piercings

carrot and coriander soup from Lidl

lidl and Aldi packaged Veg .....goes off whilst in the trolley or before

facelifts where they look like they are impersonating a dog with its head out of the car window at 70MPH

next doors constantly yapping ***** and her dogs

slap head husband of the above

prospective customers who lie to,you....."I have rung the NICEIC and you HAVE to test it before Xmas", good luck with that one mate

B &Q....did I ever tell you about their policy of reneging on warranties and their p. I. S. S. Poor customer service?

orange pinny wearing staff

Screwfix offers that have mysteriously sold out two days before the flyer arrives

Brucie

pAvement dog eggs

w️S on (mainly) industrial,estates who have to gun it in their 250cc Saxo with the big bore exhaust when only driving 10m to butty van

..........day 2

 

[Evans Electric]

could make a TV series out of this....

I can see it now  ,  Tom Hanks as Kerching . 

I'll see if he's free . 

 

[binky]

"life is like a box of chocolates", only Kerch seems to get all the ones he doesn't like....  :^O

prospective customers who lie to,you....."I have rung the NICEIC and you HAVE to test it before Xmas", good luck with that one mate

 never has that one.... would get the same response   :maria:

 

[kerching]

Day.      3/12

shop assistants calling me mate

waiters calling us 'guys'

foam infusion....No it's not....the chef has coughed on the plate

buzzwords, like

BINARY

inclusivity

backstop

LGBTQ....make your mind up!

cheap baked beans

tower of artisan hand cooked chips....NO they are  EFFING well not ...it's half a dozen badly cut roasts in a pile

false pricing....just bought some insulting tape.   £65 for 10 rolls, after discount £1 a roll

cable clips with nails more suited to Barbie

politicians especially those who HAVE to finish their diatribe before the interviewer can get a word in

cars with stupid meaningless stickers on them i.e.  "Warning Flyball dogs on board", "warning show dogs in transit"....don't get me wrong , I have three dogs, BUT if push came to shove and it was a choice between hitting the dog car or the lamppost then the dogs are toast

perfume adverts.....'Dog Semen, for Her.....Melvin Swine' or some such dross

that fricking TV Ad where all the tossers are sat around a table....one says three sentences and they all laugh. trivento wine I think!

do a quick 10 minute job for someone and when you finish they say 'Do,I owe you anything?"....no, it's ok, just a smile please

BBC wasting licence payers money..........Redurb the Eastenders set and its £27M OVER budget...Who guessed that one

brucie

 

[kerching]

4/12

Michael Macintyre .......bobble headed floppy haired twonk

Jonathon Woss

White bread....even if it has been crafted by an Artisan

unruly/scruffy beards

management speak

"Engineers" and "Technicians"..........not the proper ones BUT the ones who use it as a job title e.g. Nail Technician, Central,Heating Engineer

pigeons

Michael Gove.....chinless spoodle

Economy Energy

poorly signed Road Diversions

the new spate of little single seater black and yellow cars .....it's similar to driving over a cats eye in the road

football

manufacturers/retailers jumping on bandwagons....just seen a advert for Gluten Free Shampoo

cyclists jumping traffic lights/ignoring them/cutting them out using the pavement

 

[Tony S]

I decided junior had enough for this year but then my hero Nicola Tesla had to show up https://www.silvertrader.uk/product/2018-nikola-tesla-serbian-1-oz-silver-bullion-coin/

I swore I wouldn’t buy anything without the Queen’s head on it, Tesla is the king.

 

[SPECIAL LOCATION]

There's a couple,of things that are causing me to be intolerant

Have you listed "Gogglebox"...………..??

WTGrape!!!!

sitting watching telly.....

where the program is watching people watching telly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:shakehead     :C    eadHorse:

AND...    

all those ITV programs that have an interval every 10 minutes...

AND spend the first 3 minutes after every interval explaining what happened before the interval..!!!!

So a 30min program ends up being 1 hour with 10mins of adverts plus 20mins of recapping what you had just watched!!!!

:angry:

 

[phil d]

Ok, in reply to the first post, I'll say this.

1, Tesco,' we're open to everyone', tell that to the young lady who was thrown out of her local store when she went in on the way home from horseriding, apparently her dirty boots were not acceptable!

2 Gogglebox, why is it that my wife sits watching it, laughing like an idiot and almost wetting herself on occasions, "because it's so funny", yet when I react the same way about programmes, I'm a grumpy old sod!

3, The idiots who protested against the Coca-Cola truck visiting towns because, 'it makes you fat', wrong, a lack of self control makes you fat, stuffing your face repeatedly with large quantities of kfc,ordomino's, or maccy's whilst sat on your lazy behind watching Jeremy Kyle. or Gogglebox makes you fat!

4, Parents who spend hundreds and hundreds of pounds on garbage for their little darlings Christmas presents, then moan thet they're skint, or kids don't know the value of money!

5, People who expect me to be nice to people who, at any other time of year, I wouldn't cross the road and pee on them if they were on fire, just because it's Christmas

6, People who either get the hump when you tell them you are not working over the holiday, or moan when you tell them you charge a bit more, do they not expect more money if they work over the holidays?

7, And finally for now, those annoying people at my insurers, who, send me out their 'keenest' renewal quote, then act all surprised when I ring them back and tell them I've found the same quote, from their company on Compare the Meerkat, and it's 200 quid cheaper.

 

[Sharpend]

I think you should rethink items 2&3, just incase your wife reads it????

 

[phil d]

I think you should rethink items 2&3, just incase your wife reads it????

Now you've just reminded me of another one, the wife, who, spends all day at work using a computer, then comes home and asks me to find her something online because "You know I don't understand computers" !