My boss think i have early alzheimers
I keep forgetting to get up in the morning
I keep forgetting to get up in the morning
Alzheimers
- Thread starter Andy™
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Happy Easter for 1983. Dont forget your swimming costume for next weeks Guy Fawkes party.
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2 cows talking in a field one says to the other 'this mad cow's diease worries me'. The other replies 'don't worry - it doesn't affect us helicopters'
2 fish in a tank - one says to the other 'can you drive this thing?'
2 fish in a tank - one says to the other 'can you drive this thing?'
2 fish in a tank. one says 'you drive, i'll man the guns'2 fish in a tank - one says to the other 'can you drive this thing?'
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2 birds sat on a perch. One says to the other 'can you smell fish'?
What did one goldfish say to the other?2 birds sat on a perch. One says to the other 'can you smell fish'?
"It's no use whistling - I can see the bubbles coming out your ****."
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Why don't Polar Bears eat Penguins?
either they can't get the silver paper off - or Polar Bears are at the North Pole and Penguins at the South. Either way the person guessing is wrong!
A truck driver gets stuck under a low bridge.
After a while a policeman pulls up alongside.
"Are we stuck sir?" he smirks.
"No," replies the driver, sarcastically, "I was delivering this bridge and I run out of ****ing diesel!"
After a while a policeman pulls up alongside.
"Are we stuck sir?" he smirks.
"No," replies the driver, sarcastically, "I was delivering this bridge and I run out of ****ing diesel!"
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A lady is driving down the M1 knitting in the fast lane at 80mph. A police car sees her and turns on its lights. The lady doesn't notice.
The police car pulls along side and gestures for the lady to wind her window down. The police man shouts 'pull over'. The lady shouts back 'no - it's a scalf'!
The police car pulls along side and gestures for the lady to wind her window down. The police man shouts 'pull over'. The lady shouts back 'no - it's a scalf'!
I went to a house warming part last week.They said,"Bring a gift."
So i did,a boiler & 2 radiators.
So i did,a boiler & 2 radiators.
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Bloody generous that was - I'd have taken wine
how do you make a Venetian Blind?
throw sand in his eyes
NEWSFLASH!
the irish goverment have announced that as of next week all cars in ireland will now drive on the right hand side of the road!
if this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later.
the irish goverment have announced that as of next week all cars in ireland will now drive on the right hand side of the road!
if this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later.
maybe in a few hours this thread will be longer then BDC thread....
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There's a few miles in this yet
A helicopter crashed into an Irish Cemetery - so far rescue crews have recovered 238 bodies..........
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
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What's the difference between a Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
1 less drunk!
1 less drunk!
Five guys in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the driver.
"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the driver.
"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
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A taxi crahed in Edinbrugh.
all 19 passangers escaped uninjured!
all 19 passangers escaped uninjured!
Ireland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness , and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness , and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
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