Alzheimers

[Apache]

Man carries his limp dog into the Vets and puts him down on the table. The Vet goes over to the dog, examines it and tells the owner the dog is dead and the bill is

 

[Andy™]

I put one of those 'No tools left in van overnight ' signs on me run about yesterday. This morning someone had broken in and left a note saying 'Just checking'

 

[Apache]

How many guidance councillors does it take 2 change a light bulb (luminaire - whatever)?

1 - but the light bulb has to want to change

 

[Andy™]

I'll tell ya what's really getting me down.....

Gravity.

 

[Apache]

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

 

[Andy™]

I spent the early part of my life living in Liverpool.

It wasn't until I was ten I realised that cars were supposed to have wheels.

 

[Apache]

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

 

[Apache]

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.

 

[Apache]

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.

She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

 

[Badger]

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?

The one on the range.

 

[Badger]

Q. What's pink and fluffy

A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy

A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

:^O

 

[Apache]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

 

[Badger]

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says

"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

 

[Badger]

Two muffins are in the oven.

One says to the other "God it's hot in here"

The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

 

[Apache]

A white horse goes into a bar and asks for a pint of beer - the landloard says 'funny - this pub could be named after you'

'What a silly name for a pub', replied the horse - 'Brian'

 

[Badger]

One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his p***s.

So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"!

So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

So the next day the guy cam back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".

So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".

The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"

So the doc. said "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover".

 

[airkool]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

[airkool]

Two couples were playing cards one evening.

John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down

under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress. Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you

 

[welshwizard]

A truck driver gets stuck under a low bridge.After a while a policeman pulls up alongside.

"Are we stuck sir?" he smirks.

"No," replies the driver, sarcastically, "I was delivering this bridge and I run out of ****ing diesel!"

That is actually true. It did happen.

 

[a2]

Two friends are playing golf at their local course. One is about to chip on to the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "That is the most touching thing I have ever seen. I never knew you were such a sensitive man."

The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."