Alzheimers

[Andy™]

Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck.

Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try.

A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."

 

[a2]

Harry has tickets for the World Cup final. As he sits watching the game, a man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," says Harry. "That seat is empty."

"That's incredible," says the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup final and not use it?"

"Well, my wife was supposed to be here with me, but she passed away," replies Harry.

"I'm sorry to hear that," says the man. "But couldn't you find a friend or relative to take the seat?"

Harry shakes his head: "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

[a2]

One evening Alex Ferguson's phone rings. It's the fire brigade telling him that Old Traffod is on fire.

"The cups!" shouts Ferguson. "Save the cups!"

"Don't worry, sir," says the fireman. "The flames haven't got to the canteen yet."

 

[a2]

A defence lawyer says to his client: "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is your blood test came back and the DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's shirt."

"Damn," says the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

 

[a2]

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.

Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.

When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

 

[a2]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?"

I said: "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

 

[a2]

Apple have announced the launch of an MP3 player that stores and plays music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost

 

[a2]

Q: What do David James and Michael Jackson have in common?

A: They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

 

[Andy™]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple And says,"Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,

buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the ****ing guts to pull the trigger."

 

[a2]

A middle-aged man has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital. While on the operating table he has a near-death experience. Seeing God, he asks if this is it. God says, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."

Upon recovery, the man decides to stay in hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. He even has someone come in and dye his hair. Since he has so much more time, he figures he should make the most of it.

After the last operation he leaves the hospital and is immediately knocked down and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in heaven, he demands furiously of God, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?"

"I didn't recognise you," answers God.

 

[Andy™]

How do you know when petrol prices are at there highest?

London taxi drivers start to take the shortest route

 

[Andy™]

A married couple are driving along a motorway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,

Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

 

[a2]

Q: Why is marriage a three-ring circus?

A: First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then the suffering.

 

[Andy™]

A jew is up a ladder cleaning a window when a pound coin falls out of his pocket.

He climbs down get the pound and it hits him on the head.

 

[Andy™]

How do you make a scouser take a bath?

Tell him the taps are gold plated.

 

[Andy™]

The Department of Transport has issued a warning to motorists who plan to venture out in the freak Easter weather conditions. A spokesman said 'You must take a flask of tea and a spade with you'. Presumably if you break down, you sit in the warm car drinking tea whilst the spade pushes you home.

 

[a2]

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said "Parking Fine."

So that was nice.

 

[Andy™]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his file and says,

"Ah, you're an engineer you're in the wrong

place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and

is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets

dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,

and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and

flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is

a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and

says , "So, how's it going down there

in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going

great. We've got air conditioning and flushing

toilets and escalators and there's no telling what

this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have gotten

down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer

on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs says, "Yeah,

right. And just where the **** are you going to get a

lawyer?"

 

[a2]

A blonde with two burnt ears goes to the doctor, who asks what has happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back."

 

[Andy™]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.