Alzheimers

[a2]

A man went to his local gym to ask about yoga classes for beginners.

The instructor asked, "How flexible are you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I can't do Wednesdays

 

[a2]

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

 

[Andy™]

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one night when next doors dog starts barking in the garden. After about twenty minutes, Paddy's wife turns to Paddy and says, "Paddy your gonna have to do somethin' about that dog". Paddy says, "I know, I will go and sort it out, don't worry pet". So Paddy is away about ten minutes, and when he comes back the dog is silent, but shortly after the dog starts barking again. Paddy's wife, really annoyed by now says, "I thought you said you sorted that flaming dog out Paddy!" Paddy looks at his annoyed wife and says, "I have pet, I've moved into our garden, see how they bloody like it!"

 

[a2]

Sam to his wife: "Darling I'm not feeling well. Can you call me a vet?"

Wife: "A vet? Don't you mean a doctor?"

Sam: "I think a vet's more appropriate. After all, I work like a horse, I live like a dog and I sleep with a cow."

 

[a2]

After undergoing a full medical, a nervous man summons up the courage to ask his doctor: "How long have I got left to live?"

"Okay, I'll give it to you straight," the doctor replies. "Ten

 

[a2]

A navy chief and an Admiral are sitting in the barbershop

 

[a2]

Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men?

A: It changes your blood group

 

[Andy™]

A young man turns up at a warehouse looking for a job.

"Can you make tea?" says the forman.

"Yes".

Can you drive a forklift?

"How big is this teapot!?"

 

[a2]

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

 

[a2]

Q: What

 

[a2]

A man walks into a bar and starts chatting up a cheetah. The barman says:

 

[a2]

A man walks into a bar and sees troubled artist Vincent Van Gogh nursing a pint.

"Hi Vince,

 

[a2]

A beautiful young woman is about to undergo a minor operation.

She's lying on a trolley in a hospital corridor awaiting medical attention, when a man in a white coat approaches her, lifts the sheet covering her, and performs a visual examination of her body. He then walks away poker-faced, consults with another man in a white coat, who approaches and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches, the girl asks, concerned: "Is everything OK? When is the operation going to begin?"

"Your guess is as good as mine, lady," the man says, shrugging. "We're just painting the corridor."

 

[a2]

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'

Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'B***H!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

 

[a2]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off

 

[Andy™]

i think this thread should be renamed 'the jokes thread'

 

[a2]

One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn.

"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says.

Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian.

As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed

 

[Andy™]

One night Frank is enjoying a pint of beer in the pub with his friend. "My wife will be on the plane by now!"

"Really?"said his friend, "Where is she off to then?"

"Oh, nowhere,"replied Frank, "I have left her at home taking a couple of inches off the kitchen door!"

 

[Andy™]

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No-one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00am on Sundays, so a worldwide team of experts assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before the appointed hour, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil spirits As the clock struck eleven Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

[Andy™]

I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled. And people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage.. A friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent. For example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in.