One of many things I have failed to master.

[kerching]

You think curtains are tricky?...what about the delights that await the unsuspecting within the 'Voldermort' of the kitchen ie The cutlery drawer?!!?! Knives, forks, spoons; different sizes of forks, dessert spoons, tea spoons, soup spoons, coffee spoons, salad forks, serving forks, steak knives, fish knives, carving knives FFS. curtains are the mere Knave / Joker within the unfathomable world of domestic paraphenalia... :coat

 

[kme]

I`ll go one better - did you know that the spoons used to make tea / coffee are different to the ones used to eat yoghurt and stuff?

Apparently, making cuppas with `em "taints" the bowl of the spoon, and they don`t "feel right" in your mouth..........

Silly me - I taste the food, not the implement! I must be a man!

 

[ProDave]

Then there's taking a shower:

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs

12. Turn off shower

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long bathrobe and towel on head.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

 

[sprocketflup]

mrs sprocket aint too bad to be honest, but she does INSIST that everyone puts the toilet lid down, not the seat she not too bothered about that, no its the lid, and will make me return upatsirs to do it ( usually after ive sat down on the sofa) all because some poxy Tescos value

 

[ProDave]

But the bottom line is:

Never question your wife's judgement.

Look who she chose to marry.

 

[steptoe]

thats exactly what I point out to Aggie all the time,

how could she possibly be of sane mind if she married me!!!!????!!!!

 

[sparky b]

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

:slap

 

[Theorysparky]

or the classic...

'does my bum look big in this ?'

it does but to be fair you are in a small bathroom.........

 

[SLIPSHOD & SLAPDASH]

I had to fit a curtain rail with the pull cord on a loop at one end. Apparently my filthy work hands would have ruined the drapes within a week if we had to pull them closed.

 

[Guy]

I have none of these problems..........................but also did really badly on the 'ladyboy' challenge that was on here recently, er, mmmmm, will be back soon, just got to go and check something.

 

[kme]

mrs sprocket aint too bad to be honest, but she does INSIST that everyone puts the toilet lid down, not the seat .

How the hell do you put the lid down, whilst leaving the seat up??????? That conjures up an odd image..... :slap

 

[Nicky Tesla]

Curtains? dont your wife know how to sort out the gathers permanently?

TIP OF THE DAY

Well have you seen those two pieces of string hanging at the end of your curtain? What you have to do is, open your curtain(one at a time) fully, way past the middle. Then pull those bits of string till they reach the desired middle position. Then arrange the gathers to a set position. Now tie the bits of string together at the end so they dont pull back. Now, everytime you pull your curtains out, the gathers will be perfect everytime. :Neil

 

[ProDave]

or the classic...'does my bum look big in this ?'

it does but to be fair you are in a small bathroom.........

Or:

"does this dress make me look fat?"

"No, your excess body mass makes you look fat" :run

 

[chrisg1979]

I received a massive rollocking from Mrs G today.

After using my van she discovered the one 'thank you' card I said I would hand deliver after a gift was bought for our second born son.

Went surfing with a mate but swapped all my gear into his van and forgot all about the card :-(

That is apparently the last time I'll ever be asked to deliver a card! (bonus?!)

 

[sprocketflup]

definite bonus mate.

specially if your second born son was born in 1982

 

[M107]

Then theres the old favourite from mrs 107.............."I've been at work all day & am tired can you bath the kids & do the packed lunches for tomorrow & do the tea dishes"

Must have passed her by that I also go to work all day.

 

[Evans Electric]

And how come when I come to use our car, the fuel gauge is always on empty?