Short Jokes

[mcgaw81]

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

 

[mcgaw81]

I got thrown out of B&Q today . Some **** in a orange apron came up to me and asked if i wanted decking. Luckily I got in the first punch.

 

[mcgaw81]

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just

went on and on.

 

[mcgaw81]

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'

The bloke said 'Kenwood?'

I said, 'Where is he then?

 

[mcgaw81]

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on!

 

[mcgaw81]

Scientists have proved that some 92% of Women have the most intelligent D.N.A. in their bodies at some time during their lives.

Unfortunately 75% spit it out!

:coat

 

[mcgaw81]

On that note that'll do for tonight..

 

[a2]

:^O

 

[Andy™]

A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road, and says 'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!'

 

[Andy™]

what do you call an ethipoian family portait?

a barcode

 

[Andy™]

Police in the Irish Republic this morning found a guy with concussion --- they said it was attempted suicide! He hung himself with a bungee.

 

[Andy™]

Dont forget....all your clocks go back this Sunday..

So go and find your receipts.

 

[Andy™]

Breeders have just bred a cross between a rottweiler and a st bernard,the result is it rips your throat out then dumps your body at the hospital

 

[Andy™]

My friends just out of hospital after an amputation.

He went private and it cost him an arm and a leg!

 

[Andy™]

Paddy & Mick walking down the road, and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, You can have them both"

 

[Andy™]

Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter that operates so fast, it was recently able to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut

 

[Andy™]

Two irish pilots flying An Air Fungus jet on final approach at Cork Airport,

First pilot said: "Bejesus! Look how short this runway is."

Second pilot said: "Yes, but look how f***ing wide it is!"

 

[a2]

Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter that operates so fast, it was recently able to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut

 

[betty swollocks]

why did the pie cross the road??

because he was meat'n'potato

 

[Apache]

I got thrown out of B&Q today . Some **** in a orange apron came up to me and asked if i wanted decking. Luckily I got in the first punch.

What's the difference between light and hard?You can sleep with a light on!

Applaud SmileyApplaud Smiley:^OApplaud SmileyApplaud Smiley