Walks into a bar jokes

[a2]

A duck walks into abar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

 

[a2]

A string walks into abar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[a2]

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.

Bob says, "Donkeyboy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.

Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkeyboy?"

"I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."

 

[a2]

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

 

[a2]

Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender looks up

and says "Where did you get that ape?" Guy says, "This isn't an ape,

it's a duck". Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".

 

[a2]

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck,

goes back in and asks, "How's this?" The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."

 

[a2]

A chicken walks into a bar.

The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."

 

[a2]

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

 

[a2]

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

 

[a2]

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"

 

[a2]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

 

[a2]

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

 

[Apache]

 

[Andy™]

A black swan Walks into a bar,

The bartender says "I named this pub after you!"

The black swan replies "What? Dave?"

 

[Andy™]

A drunken man walks in to a pub, he staggers up to the bar and orders a pint of bitter and a whiskey for his mouse.

The bar-man, who can clearly see that the man is drunk, obliges thinking that the man is trying to hedge his bets in case he is thrown out and can't get another drink afterwards.

He puts the drinks on the bar, the drunken man downs the bitter in one go. He then produces a mouse from his breast pocket and starts to feed the whiskey to it.

The barman is furious, he grabs the drunk and says "Right you! Get out of my bar! That's animal cruelty that is!" he pulls the guy outside and throws him to the floor.

The drunk gets to his feet and slurs "You Bashtard, I'll have you, come on lets have a fight" The mouse pops out of his pocket and says "Yeah! and bring your cat!"

 

[Andy™]

a penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman "im meeting my brother in here tonight have you seen him" barman says "i mite have what does he look like"

 

[Andy™]

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a coke.

The barman thinks this is a bit odd but pours him the coke and says, 'ten pounds please.'

The kangaroo is put off by the price but pays him anyway and sits down at the bar.

A few minutes pass and the barman says to the kangaroo, 'I have to say, we don't see too many of your type in here.'

Kangaroo says, 'yeah,and at ten pounds a coke I wouldn't blame them!'

 

[Andy™]

Paddy walked into a pub and shouted, "Drinks all round, even you barman."

But when it came to pay Paddy was skint so the barman beat him up.

Next night, Paddy walked into the same pub and shouted,

"Drinks all round.....but not you barman....you get nasty when your drunk."

 

[Tetley]

Man walks into a bar and see a very attractive lady, so if goes over and says "Hey baby, I love you, why dont we go back to yours and fool around."

She replies " Sorry I cant I'm on my menstrual cycle"

So the man then says, "thats alight I've got my moped, I'll follow you."

 

[Tetley]

A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing away.

The man thinks this is strange so he goes over to the barman and asks where the little bloke came from.

"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a lamp, "rub this." So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.

"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.

"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.

"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappears back into the lamp. The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"

"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replies the bartender.