Work Scheme

[Badger]

Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)


We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you are not receiving your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job please see your manager. You will immediately be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list. And they are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMMES (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. any more and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any other questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
(H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) thank you.

 

[m4tty]

:slap lol

 

[ProDave]

Another variant:

FROM: Managment
SUBJECT: Revised Retirement Plan

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who
represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.. This program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early
(RAPE).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED, they can request
a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of operation is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers (SCREW).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This phase is called Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
RAPED once, SCREWED Twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled
to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES) or
Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment (CLAP), unless he/she already has
Additional Income from Depedents or Spouse (AIDS). As HERPES and CLAP
are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or
CLAP will no longer be RAPED ore SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees
are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (****).
The company takes pride in the amount of **** our employees receive.
We have given our employees more **** than any other company in the area.
If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough **** on the job, see
your immediate supervisor. Your superviosr is especially trained to make
sure you receive all the **** you can stand.

 

[kerching]

Excellent both of them!

They have been duly passed on to the HR depts of 2 of my clients.....there are only 2 who will appreciate it!

The others will have a meeting, review it, hoist it up the flagpole and then implement it in a " partnership" program working towards....( you know the rest)

 

[noitanimulli]

**** anywhere :lol:

 

[Knight Of Shadows]

hahahahaha