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I went into McDonalds the other day, and said- " Ok, give me 2 hamburgers- one needs to be burnt, the other half cooked and dripping with grease. I only want half a bun with one, and two buns but no burger with the other. Give me a chicken fillet that is still frozen int the middle, a cup full of ice and a cup with nothing but undiluted coke syrup. I don't want it now, I want it in about 50 minutes- preferably despite the fact that its ready I'd like you to leave the food in the warmer and ignore me for about 20 minutes. Oh, and when I try pay- can you do me a favour and immediatly walk away just as I'm handing you money?"

The guy looked back at me, and in his broken English said " Sorry, but we no can do that sir. "

"Why not? " I replied- " You managed it yesterday."

 
3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

 
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees."Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

 
An officer pulls up at the scene of a crash in where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.

"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer

"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve

"I realise you are very drunk sir" states the officer "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home"

 
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

 
My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

 
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

 
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

 
When londons public transport was attacked by terrorists, londeners and TFL were defiant. we would still be on the trains and buses and would not be stopped from travelling. we would not let terrorists win.

yet after 3 inch of snow....

 

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