Stuff you might want to know!!!!

[kme]

If you shouted for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life... but guys don't moan when your girl wants it once a day!!! )

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

 

[kme]

Great people talk about ideas.

Average people talk about things.

Small people talk about other people.

And legends, like us, never talk...we just drink.

 

[kme]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.

' The next night he came home from work and yelled

' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '

Y OU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

 

[kme]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...�

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?�

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.�

Older Woman: Oh, I see.�

Officer: Can I see your license please?�

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.�

Officer: Don't have one?�

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.�

Offi cer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.�

Older Woman: I can't do that.�

Officer: Why not?�

Older Woman: I stole this car.�

Officer: Stole it?�

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.�

Officer: You what?�

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see�

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.�

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.�

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?�

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.�

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?�

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.�

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.�

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?�

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.�

The officer is quite stunned.�

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.�

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.�

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.�

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.�

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

 

[kme]

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.

Try Saying:

I think you could do with more training

Instead Of:

You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.

Try Saying:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of:

She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.

Try Saying:

Perhaps I can work late

Instead Of:

And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.

Try Saying:

I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of:

F*** off a*se-wipe

5.

Try Saying:

Really?

Instead Of:

Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.

Try Saying:

Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of:

Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.

Try Saying:

I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of:

Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8.

Try Saying:

That's interesting.

Instead Of:

What the f***?

9.

Try Saying:

I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.

Instead Of:

No f***ing chance mate.

10.

Try Saying:

It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of:

Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.

Try Saying:

He's not familiar with the issues

Instead Of:

He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.

Try Saying:

Excuse me, sir?

Instead Of:

Oi, f*** face.

13.

Try Saying:

Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway

Instead Of:

Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

 

[kme]

> >>> Beer contains female hormones

> >>>

> >>> Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the

> >>> results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female

> >>> hormones in beer.

> >>> Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory

> >>> is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and

> >>> that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

> >>>

> >>> To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour

> >>> period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

> >>> 1) Argued over nothing.

> >>> 2) Refused to apologize when obviously! wrong.

> >>> 3) Gained weight.

> >>> 4) Talked excessively without making sense.

> >>> 5) Became overly emotional.

> >>> 6) Couldn't drive.

> >>> 7) Failed to think rationally.

> >>> 8) Had to sit down while urinating.

> >>> No further testing was considered necessary.

 

[welshwizard]

:^O