Larnacaman's Joke selection..........

[Larnacaman]

*Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mummy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,**

**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ............**

**Is this 4955 5566 ?'*

 

[Larnacaman]

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.

Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison

Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2010- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This basically shows, Just how

Bloody Stupid we have become!

Think about it ...The worlds gone

or going ...Stark Raving MAD!!!!

 

[kme]

Sadly, so so true

 

[Larnacaman]

Children!!!!

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only ten years old. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny. Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little **** is Adorable!!!!..........................

 

[Larnacaman]

2 Brothers

Once upon a time there were two brothers

One brother was very mischievous, always

getting into trouble. The other brother

however, was very good. He was always

kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors,

and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in

touch but were never close. The evil

brother became a heavy drinker and a

womanizer. The other brother was a

devoted husband and father and supported

many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good

brother passed away. He went to heaven

and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked,

"Where is my brother? He died before me

but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother

led an evil life, so he is not spending

eternity here in heaven. He has been sent

elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good

brother replied. "But I do miss him and

wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.

"I will give you the power to gaze into

hell."

So the power was granted and the good

brother gazed into hell. Before long he

saw his brother sitting on a bench.

In one arm he held a keg of beer,

and in the other he cradled a gorgeous

young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said,

"I can't believe what I'm seeing.

I have found my brother, and he has a

keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful

woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot

be that bad."

God explained. ... "Things are not always as

they seem my son. ....That keg has a hole in it.

Wherea s the blonde he's with doesn't."

 

[a1]

:slap

 

[Larnacaman]

UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Bio-mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

[Larnacaman]

Galaxy.....

We are on quite a ride ...... turn up the sound. It's not over till it asks if you want to view again.

This clever piece originated in Australia . It is so very well done! Just click on the link below..... Speakers on.

Photos by NASA.

Enjoy your journey! Click here:

http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

 

[Larnacaman]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.....

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild,

fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to

trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced

of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm

and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all

conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war and doesn't

make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to

meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and

the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst

for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN....

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran: Ruled by a pair of Nuts!!!

 

[Badger]

thats really funny :^O very good i must say!

 

[a1]

Great stuff.

 

[Larnacaman]

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and,....... pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them.

Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was resounding

 

[kme]

Do you remember the footage from " the meaning of life", when they were singing that song? With the stars getting pregnant and giving birth??

" We`ve come for one of your kidneys"!!!!

And my favourite had to be Mr Creosote.....

 

[Larnacaman]

The Black Bra......

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door, .....Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this

 

[Larnacaman]

The Black Bra......

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door, .....Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this

 

[Larnacaman]

Are you kathlick.....

Three little Boys were concerned

Because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been Baptized

And didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said,

"We need to be baptized

Because no one will come out and play with Us.

Will You baptize Us?"

"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom

And dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,

One at a time.

Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".

" When they got outside,

One of them asked,

"What religion do You think We are?"

The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, .because they pour the water on You."

"We're not Babtis, .because they dunk all of You in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, ......because they just sprinkle water on You."

The littlest one said,

"Didn't you smell that water!"

They all joined in asking,

"Yeah! What do You think that means?"

"I think it means we're ****patarians''

 

[Larnacaman]

Are you kathlick.....

Three little Boys were concerned

Because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been Baptized

And didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said,

"We need to be baptized

Because no one will come out and play with Us.

Will You baptize Us?"

"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom

And dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,

One at a time.

Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".

" When they got outside,

One of them asked,

"What religion do You think We are?"

The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, .because they pour the water on You."

"We're not Babtis, .because they dunk all of You in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, ......because they just sprinkle water on You."

The littlest one said,

"Didn't you smell that water!"

They all joined in asking,

"Yeah! What do You think that means?"

"I think it means we're ****patarians''

 

[Larnacaman]

.

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between

girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38,

48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeell..........

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

 

[Larnacaman]

.

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between

girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38,

48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeell..........

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

 

[Robin Spark]

That's your best joke yet Larnacaman :^O