Larnacaman's Joke selection..........

[Robin Spark]

That's your best joke yet Larnacaman :^O

 

[Larnacaman]

FLU

To avoid it, they say....

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.

If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.

Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...

When you go for a flu ***, what do they do first?

They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So.......

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,

flu germs can't get you!

As my grandmother always said,



'A shot in the glass

is better than one in the arse!'

Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much

 

[Larnacaman]

FLU

To avoid it, they say....

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.

If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.

Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...

When you go for a flu ***, what do they do first?

They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So.......

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,

flu germs can't get you!

As my grandmother always said,



'A shot in the glass

is better than one in the arse!'

Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Never Trust A Woman Driver !!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling. about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!' But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY :

Women drivers are clever, evil *******. Don't mess with them.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Never Trust A Woman Driver !!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling. about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!' But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY :

Women drivers are clever, evil *******. Don't mess with them.

 

[Larnacaman]

Outdoor Sports - Irish Style

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem..'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, '**** dat. Dis budgie jumping is too ****'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine...

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'**** dat, lads... First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his ****'n hengliding!'

...........................................

An Irish Toast....

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." Mary said: "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[Larnacaman]

Outdoor Sports - Irish Style

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem..'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, '**** dat. Dis budgie jumping is too ****'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine...

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'**** dat, lads... First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his ****'n hengliding!'

...........................................

An Irish Toast....

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." Mary said: "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[steptoe]

middilin

 

[steptoe]

middilin

 

[Apache]

:coat

 

[Apache]

:coat

 

[Larnacaman]

.

In Case Of An Annoying Passenger Beside You On The Plane...

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven ;

7. Take a deep breath and open the site: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8.Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

In Case Of An Annoying Passenger Beside You On The Plane...

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven ;

7. Take a deep breath and open the site: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8.Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.

 

[Apache]

Linky no worky

 

[Apache]

Linky no worky

 

[Larnacaman]

Does now ..... lol!!!

 

[Larnacaman]

Does now ..... lol!!!

 

[Larnacaman]

Two Old Men

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS

AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS,THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS

AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS

AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD

AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.

THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD

MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME, THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD !'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, ' WHY DO YOU SAY THAT ? '

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND

ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ' COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH. '

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT ?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND ALL,

THEN I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SUDDENLY, SHE FARTED, ..."WHOOOSH!!"

AND FLEW OUT THE HE DAMMED window...

BITCH TOOK ME BLEEDIN TEETH WITH HER TOO!!!!

 

[Larnacaman]

Two Old Men

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS

AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS,THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS

AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS

AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD

AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.

THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD

MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME, THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD !'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, ' WHY DO YOU SAY THAT ? '

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND

ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ' COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH. '

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT ?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND ALL,

THEN I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SUDDENLY, SHE FARTED, ..."WHOOOSH!!"

AND FLEW OUT THE HE DAMMED window...

BITCH TOOK ME BLEEDIN TEETH WITH HER TOO!!!!

 

[m4tty]

:ApplaudROTFWL