Larnacaman's Joke selection..........

[Larnacaman]

.

New Tesco Technology

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

'Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery', Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,

The computer ejects a printout:

''You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks''.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and `Pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Worm him and Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco!!

.

 

[Larnacaman]

'

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Just so there's no cheating, i'll post the correct answers later on this evening!! lol!!!

.

 

[poni]

How long did the Hundred Years War last?

116 years

Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

From which animal do we get cat gut?

Sheep and Horses

In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November

What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

Dogs

What was King George VI's first name?

Albert

What color is a purple finch?

Crimson

Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Orange

 

[Larnacaman]

.

To my loving wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Hell, it Sure is hot down here darling!!)

.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

How to pee-off your Neighbour!!

"]

Must have done something really nasty in the past ... haha!!

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Brickies!

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all

the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope

containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to

her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the

little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact

she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank ashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men

building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the

house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and

said.......................

'I think so. Provided those dammed w**k**s down at JEWSONS deliver the bleeding bricks this week.'

Ah, ....Out of the mouth of babes! ....hahaha!!

.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

WestJet!!!

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The boy, who had been quietly looking out of the

window, turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the

flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the attendant, who was extremely busy serving drinks.

She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy answered, 'Yes.'

'Well, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.'

A smart arse attendant huh!!

.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Never too late to try

An elderly Irish couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each

other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get

married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation

regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living

arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of

their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,

rather tentatively.

'I would like it in-frequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment or two, adjusted his glasses and

leaned over towards her and whispered ....'Would that be one word or two?' ray :innocent

.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Postman Pat's last day.......

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for

 

[Sidewinder]

:^O :^O:^O

 

[Sidewinder]

:^O :^O:^O

 

[Sidewinder]

Like this especially after spending a week with my fellow Celts in Edinburgh last week!

:^O :^O:^O

 

[Sidewinder]

:slap :slap:slap

 

[Larnacaman]

You've obviously seen this one before!! ...Hahaha!!!

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Why Parents Have Gray Hair!!

Just a reminder, of Why Parents Have Gray Hair.......

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are much worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! .....Call when it is safe for me to come home!!! :|

.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

KIDS!!

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?" "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. :innocent :innocent O)

Well,...... it was good news for him, ..wasn't it!! hahaha!!

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Irish Pub

 

[Larnacaman]

.

The Power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

(Ya ready?)

(Yer gonna hate me!)

''He should've quit while he was a head!!!" :Y

,

 

[Robin Spark]

Thanks for making me laugh ROTFWL

reminds me of a certain barmaid who used to give me a big head!

She really didnt know your supposed to tilt the glass whilst pouring LOL!

 

[Larnacaman]

'

The Rancher

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him with wild eyes, and said,

....'Now, .....If you ever dam well wear my clothes into town again, you're arse is fired.' :run :yellow card

.