Larnacaman's Joke selection..........

[Larnacaman]

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An Obituary printed in the Times

CLEVER, BUT OH!! ...SO VERY TRUE!!

An Obituary printed in the Times........ Interesting and sadly rather true

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy

charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for

reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly

children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could

not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

And their children;

I'm alright Jack

I'm a job's-worth

i didn't make these silly rules......

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Maybe this is the very reason why Steptoe's post on ''UK Math'' is so poignant, ....as Common Sense has clearly flown out the window in these so-called ''Modern'' Times.... :coat

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[steptoe]

:Applaud

love it

:slap

 

[steptoe]

:Applaud

love it

:slap

 

[Bwy]

I have read this post quickly the first time......I went back and read it again and again.

Reading it has made me both sad and angry.

Sad because it is so true and angry because in general the British public allow the so called government to do what the hell they like.

Even today, I watched to students demonstrating against the cuts.

At first I was horrified but then I realised that at least they are doing something about those things that make them so angry.

I am not saying they are right in how they are doing it as nothing can justify the destruction of property but I am saying they are right in making it known they are unhappy.

We, as British people, tend to accept that we will do whatever our government tell us to do. We accept people into our country without question.

We support the criminal (my brother is a prison warden) and give them rights the free man does not have.

I could go on but I really wanted to say what a great post this one is and how stupid we as a nation can be at times.

 

[Bwy]

I have read this post quickly the first time......I went back and read it again and again.

Reading it has made me both sad and angry.

Sad because it is so true and angry because in general the British public allow the so called government to do what the hell they like.

Even today, I watched to students demonstrating against the cuts.

At first I was horrified but then I realised that at least they are doing something about those things that make them so angry.

I am not saying they are right in how they are doing it as nothing can justify the destruction of property but I am saying they are right in making it known they are unhappy.

We, as British people, tend to accept that we will do whatever our government tell us to do. We accept people into our country without question.

We support the criminal (my brother is a prison warden) and give them rights the free man does not have.

I could go on but I really wanted to say what a great post this one is and how stupid we as a nation can be at times.

 

[armbands0]

I could only read it the once, I knew I would get angry if I read it a second time.

I have more respect for the French government, they put France first.

 

[armbands0]

I could only read it the once, I knew I would get angry if I read it a second time.

I have more respect for the French government, they put France first.

 

[septiclecky]

Seen a similar one about Wayne Rooney and his indiscretion with those 2 young ladies.

 

[septiclecky]

Seen a similar one about Wayne Rooney and his indiscretion with those 2 young ladies.

 

[Larnacaman]

The pleasures of getting old!!

An 86-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. ........."He's P***ing in the our new big fridge-freezer again!" :Blushing :Blushing

 

[Larnacaman]

The pleasures of getting old!!

An 86-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. ........."He's P***ing in the our new big fridge-freezer again!" :Blushing :Blushing

 

[Badger]

The pleasures of getting old!! An 86-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. ........."He's P***ing in the our new big fridge-freezer again!" :Blushing :Blushing

:slap :slap:slap]

 

[Badger]

The pleasures of getting old!! An 86-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. ........."He's P***ing in the our new big fridge-freezer again!" :Blushing :Blushing

:slap :slap:slap]

 

[Larnacaman]

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It's The Way You Tell Them!!

It's not what you say, ..... it's the way that you say it............

To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......all these are genuine clips from UK council house complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

Some of these people really do have problems, don't they!! ........ Wet Fish

 

[Larnacaman]

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It's The Way You Tell Them!!

It's not what you say, ..... it's the way that you say it............

To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......all these are genuine clips from UK council house complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

Some of these people really do have problems, don't they!! ........ Wet Fish

 

[a1]

Now you complete the rest......

9) It is very dark in here.....................................Wao So Dim ............ Why so dim?

10) I thought you were on a diet.......................Wai Yu Mun Ching.... Why you munching?

11) This is a tow away zone............................. No Pah King.............. No parking.

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.... Wai Yu Kum Nao ...... why you come now?

13) Staying out of sight................................... Lei ing Lo ................. Laying low.

14) He is cleaning his automobile......................Wa Shing Ka............. Washing car.

15) That is not right...........................................Sum Ting Wong........ Something wrong.

16) Your body odour is offensive.......................Yu Stin Ki Pu............. You stinkypoo.

17) My feet are wet ..........................................Lee Kee Shu............. Leaky shoe.

 

[Larnacaman]

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Three virgin daughters

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop".Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mum took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways". ......Poor Mum fainted!!!!!.......

Wow!!, All i Can Say, ....He must have been a Brit ...hahaha!!

 

[Larnacaman]

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Older Men

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realised his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to relieve himself sexually. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago!!!'' :|

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[Bwy]

.Three virgin daughters

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop".Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mum took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways". ......Poor Mum fainted!!!!!.......

Wow!!, All i Can Say, ....He must have been a Brit ...hahaha!!

What makes you think I am a Brit ?????? O)

 

[Larnacaman]

.A English/Scottish joke

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts ' Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shyte n pish.'

Man replies 'My good fellow, I'm English .......Can you repeat that in English'.

Gamekeeper replies 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

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