Larnacaman's Joke selection..........
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Larnacaman
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Bulls and Cows!!
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50
times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and
said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with
the "Same cow".'
Well, .....My condition has now been upgraded from critical to stable and I
should eventually make a full recovery. :| :innocent :Applaud
Bulls and Cows!!
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50
times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and
said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with
the "Same cow".'
Well, .....My condition has now been upgraded from critical to stable and I
should eventually make a full recovery. :| :innocent :Applaud
Larnacaman
Senior Member.
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2010
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'
Bulls and Cows!!
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50
times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and
said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with
the "Same cow".'
Well, .....My condition has now been upgraded from critical to stable and I
should eventually make a full recovery. :| :innocent :Applaud
Bulls and Cows!!
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50
times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and
said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with
the "Same cow".'
Well, .....My condition has now been upgraded from critical to stable and I
should eventually make a full recovery. :| :innocent :Applaud
septiclecky
Distinguished Member
Magic :^O :ApplaudROTFWL
septiclecky
Distinguished Member
Magic :^O :ApplaudROTFWL
Larnacaman
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Silent Fart
An elderly couple is attending a packed Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He looks at her sternly and replies, ....... '' I think you should Put new batteries in your hearing aids Dear!!!'' :run
Silent Fart
An elderly couple is attending a packed Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He looks at her sternly and replies, ....... '' I think you should Put new batteries in your hearing aids Dear!!!'' :run
Larnacaman
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Silent Fart
An elderly couple is attending a packed Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He looks at her sternly and replies, ....... '' I think you should Put new batteries in your hearing aids Dear!!!'' :run
Silent Fart
An elderly couple is attending a packed Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He looks at her sternly and replies, ....... '' I think you should Put new batteries in your hearing aids Dear!!!'' :run
Larnacaman
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Married 50 Years
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'
She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'
He looked her up and down and said; .........'Mission Accomplished.'
That's the Military for You.... Us civvies would just say .... "Sorted"!! :coat
Married 50 Years
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'
She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'
He looked her up and down and said; .........'Mission Accomplished.'
That's the Military for You.... Us civvies would just say .... "Sorted"!! :coat
Larnacaman
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Married 50 Years
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'
She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'
He looked her up and down and said; .........'Mission Accomplished.'
That's the Military for You.... Us civvies would just say .... "Sorted"!! :coat
Married 50 Years
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'
She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'
He looked her up and down and said; .........'Mission Accomplished.'
That's the Military for You.... Us civvies would just say .... "Sorted"!! :coat
Larnacaman
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, ........ ........and "I Thought YOU Said There Was Nobody Available!!!!"
I LOVE IT - .....Just Don't you mess with them old people..... you hear !! :coffee
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, ........ ........and "I Thought YOU Said There Was Nobody Available!!!!"
I LOVE IT - .....Just Don't you mess with them old people..... you hear !! :coffee
Larnacaman
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, ........ ........and "I Thought YOU Said There Was Nobody Available!!!!"
I LOVE IT - .....Just Don't you mess with them old people..... you hear !! :coffee
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, ........ ........and "I Thought YOU Said There Was Nobody Available!!!!"
I LOVE IT - .....Just Don't you mess with them old people..... you hear !! :coffee
BRILLIANT.
:Applaud :Applaud :Applaud :Applaud
:Applaud :Applaud :Applaud :Applaud
BRILLIANT.
:Applaud :Applaud :Applaud :Applaud
:Applaud :Applaud :Applaud :Applaud
Larnacaman
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A LOYAL WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money. (that means ...he was as Tight as a ducks arse in cramp....water tight!!) or ( short arms deep pockets.... his hands would/could never reach his money)
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. .....
If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Remind me to specify "CASH" when my time comes around !! .....hahaha!!
A LOYAL WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money. (that means ...he was as Tight as a ducks arse in cramp....water tight!!) or ( short arms deep pockets.... his hands would/could never reach his money)
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. .....
If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Remind me to specify "CASH" when my time comes around !! .....hahaha!!
Larnacaman
Senior Member.
- Joined
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A LOYAL WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money. (that means ...he was as Tight as a ducks arse in cramp....water tight!!) or ( short arms deep pockets.... his hands would/could never reach his money)
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. .....
If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Remind me to specify "CASH" when my time comes around !! .....hahaha!!
A LOYAL WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money. (that means ...he was as Tight as a ducks arse in cramp....water tight!!) or ( short arms deep pockets.... his hands would/could never reach his money)
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. .....
If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Remind me to specify "CASH" when my time comes around !! .....hahaha!!
Larnacaman
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If we all had the same language??...
"]
You Gotta Smile Haven't You!! ?? :red card :run
.
"]
You Gotta Smile Haven't You!! ?? :red card :run
.
Larnacaman
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If we all had the same language??...
"]
You Gotta Smile Haven't You!! ?? :red card :run
.
"]
You Gotta Smile Haven't You!! ?? :red card :run
.
Larnacaman
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Woman cannot live without MAN !!!!!
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend most of their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE ......THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!
Okay, Okay, so it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
Have you ever noticed how all of women's problems start with MEN too?
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
G U Y necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.
This is for all the women you know, to brighten their day a little!!!! .....And
For all the men you know, well.......just to annoy them a little!!!! Guinness :coat
Woman cannot live without MAN !!!!!
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend most of their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE ......THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!
Okay, Okay, so it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
Have you ever noticed how all of women's problems start with MEN too?
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
G U Y necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.
This is for all the women you know, to brighten their day a little!!!! .....And
For all the men you know, well.......just to annoy them a little!!!! Guinness :coat
