Larnacaman's Joke selection..........

[Larnacaman]

.

Woman cannot live without MAN !!!!!

Woman has Man in it;

Mrs. has Mr. in it;

Female has Male in it;

She has He in it;

Madam has Adam in it;

No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend most of their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....

Why?

BECAUSE ......THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!

Okay, Okay, so it all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before:

Have you ever noticed how all of women's problems start with MEN too?

MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

G U Y necologist

AND ..

When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS terectomy.

This is for all the women you know, to brighten their day a little!!!! .....And

For all the men you know, well.......just to annoy them a little!!!! Guinness :coat

 

[a1]

That is no Joke - It is a true story,

 

[a1]

That is no Joke - It is a true story,

 

[septiclecky]

That is no Joke - It is a true story,

Yeh and it was in Norfolk I believe taken from an American newspaper.

 

[septiclecky]

That is no Joke - It is a true story,

Yeh and it was in Norfolk I believe taken from an American newspaper.

 

[a1]

Mississipi, Mate.

 

[a1]

Mississipi, Mate.

 

[septiclecky]

The original one I saw was Norfolk in this country.

 

[septiclecky]

The original one I saw was Norfolk in this country.

 

[Larnacaman]

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THE NIGHT OF APRIL 1ST

In The Court Room........

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, ......

sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him........

'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no!!

He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .

And that's when I shot him ............

The teasing little B*****d.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

THE NIGHT OF APRIL 1ST

In The Court Room........

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, ......

sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him........

'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no!!

He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .

And that's when I shot him ............

The teasing little B*****d.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Best joke of the year !!!!

THIS WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR - WORTH SHARING

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.........

'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia '

The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ... Hmmmm 'Probably at work'

They must mean the "Best Austrailian Joke Of The Year" I think, ....But i reckon this could just as easily have been the UK ...hahaha!! bad day explode

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Best joke of the year !!!!

THIS WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR - WORTH SHARING

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.........

'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia '

The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ... Hmmmm 'Probably at work'

They must mean the "Best Austrailian Joke Of The Year" I think, ....But i reckon this could just as easily have been the UK ...hahaha!! bad day explode

 

[Larnacaman]

.

No sex since 1955

A crusty old sergeant major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the sergeant major for conversation.

"Excuse me, sergeant major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The sergeant major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

And to think that I almost felt sorry for him as well!! ...hahaha!!! :coffee

 

[Larnacaman]

.

No sex since 1955

A crusty old sergeant major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the sergeant major for conversation.

"Excuse me, sergeant major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The sergeant major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

And to think that I almost felt sorry for him as well!! ...hahaha!!! :coffee

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Scottish Primary School!

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, in Glasgow.

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is gonna be a doddle!'

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'

Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'. Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.' Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'

Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'. Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. 'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH T*SS**S COME FROM???'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'

Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, ....'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314......... See ye on Tuesday Miss!

:run

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[Larnacaman]

.

Scottish Primary School!

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, in Glasgow.

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is gonna be a doddle!'

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'

Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'. Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.' Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'

Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'. Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. 'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH T*SS**S COME FROM???'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'

Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, ....'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314......... See ye on Tuesday Miss!

:run

.

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Learn Chinese English!!

1) Great........................................................ Fa Kin Su Pah .................****ing super

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive.................. Hu Yu Hai Ding? ...............Who you hiding?

3) See me ASAP............................................Kum Hia Nao ...................Come here now

4) Stupid Man...............................................Dum *** ..........................Dumb f**k

5) Small Horse..............................................Tai Ni Po Ni ......................Tiny pony

6) Did you go to the beach?.........................Wai Yu So Tan? ...............Why you so tanned?

7) I bumped into a coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni ......I banged my f**king Knee

8) I think you need a face lift........................Chin Tu Fat .. ..................Chin too fat

Now you complete the rest......

9) It is very dark in here.....................................Wao So Dim ............

10) I thought you were on a diet.......................Wai Yu Mun Ching....

11) This is a tow away zone............................. No Pah King..............

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.... Wai Yu Kum Nao ......

13) Staying out of sight................................... Lei ing Lo .................

14) He is cleaning his automobile......................Wa Shing Ka.............

15) That is not right...........................................Sum Ting Wong........

16) Your body odour is offensive.......................Yu Stin Ki Pu.............

17) My feet are wet ..........................................Lee Kee Shu.............

:C :coffee

 

[Larnacaman]

.

Learn Chinese English!!

1) Great........................................................ Fa Kin Su Pah .................****ing super

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive.................. Hu Yu Hai Ding? ...............Who you hiding?

3) See me ASAP............................................Kum Hia Nao ...................Come here now

4) Stupid Man...............................................Dum *** ..........................Dumb f**k

5) Small Horse..............................................Tai Ni Po Ni ......................Tiny pony

6) Did you go to the beach?.........................Wai Yu So Tan? ...............Why you so tanned?

7) I bumped into a coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni ......I banged my f**king Knee

8) I think you need a face lift........................Chin Tu Fat .. ..................Chin too fat

Now you complete the rest......

9) It is very dark in here.....................................Wao So Dim ............

10) I thought you were on a diet.......................Wai Yu Mun Ching....

11) This is a tow away zone............................. No Pah King..............

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.... Wai Yu Kum Nao ......

13) Staying out of sight................................... Lei ing Lo .................

14) He is cleaning his automobile......................Wa Shing Ka.............

15) That is not right...........................................Sum Ting Wong........

16) Your body odour is offensive.......................Yu Stin Ki Pu.............

17) My feet are wet ..........................................Lee Kee Shu.............

:C :coffee

 

[Larnacaman]

.

An Obituary printed in the Times

CLEVER, BUT OH!! ...SO VERY TRUE!!

An Obituary printed in the Times........ Interesting and sadly rather true

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy

charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for

reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly

children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could

not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

And their children;

I'm alright Jack

I'm a job's-worth

i didn't make these silly rules......

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Maybe this is the very reason why Steptoe's post on ''UK Math'' is so poignant, ....as Common Sense has clearly flown out the window in these so-called ''Modern'' Times.... :coat

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